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The focus groups consisted of three traditional, two-parent African American families with one child per family ranging in age from 9- to years-old. Endowing the field with an intellectual legacy of issues, challenges, needs, and paradigms, African American Communication and Identities is ideal for undergraduate and graduate students in Communication Studies and African American Studies courses.
University of Georgia researchers book suggests that differences in communication styles may be a cause of many problems that exist between African American males and females. But it might also be different like the extent to which people show these feelings, in some cultures people express openly and in some people do not.
Respect is highly valued and shown by using formal titles. In Native American Culture, wealth may be defined as being rich in tradition, using an individuals natural gifts to his or her full potential, and acting as a role-model or mentor to others Hispanics tend to show affection through touching. Men and women avoid touching more than we would in Canada. Direct: Though mannerisms vary between ethnic groups, most people exhibit distinctive African influences when they communicate.
Due to these sub-cultures, there are 11 different official languages that can be heard spoken throughout the country. As a woman, wait to have a man offer to shake your hand before extending it. A persons culture influences how that person sends and receives messages.
Aug 25, the largest part of our non-verbal communication - eye contact, gestures, In many Asian, African, and Latin American countries, however, this the countrys etiquette, values and styles of communication before you visit. For instance, in African American culture, he says, Everyone jockeys for the opportunity to voice their opinion, and although it is competitive, it is not malicious.
Understanding a cultures expectations and customs related to eye contact, direct or indirect communication style and time orientation is crucial for establishing beneficial relationships. While some cultures depend almost entirely on the spoken word to communicate, others like in Thailand rely heavily on non-verbal cues.
However, when placed in the context of a school classroom governed by white middle class values, this style of communication may be interpreted as being disrespectful, Steen Communication Competence.
African American males usually dont do this. In West Africa in particular, hair style was used as a form of non-verbal communication. Pitch, volume, and pacing of speech also take different forms for different people. Conversely, many Asian or African and for that matter, many Native American groups tend to avoid eye Timing matters regulators — relates to the pace of verbal exchanges, style see Section 1.
Verbal and non-verbal communication differences can also be seen in same gender relationships. Since Africans were transported as slaves to America, Black Americans have nurtured and created a dynamic culture within a climate of intense racial, social, and economic exploitation and injustice. Nonverbal Communication India is a high context culture, there is much reliance on nonverbal gestures.
While this may seem obvious, its important to keep in mind as you intern or train in the U. The Jamaican communication style is very loud and obnoxious. There is much more emphasis on affective communication, such as expressing their feelings about something, rather than just verbal communication. Messages are sometimes implicit with meanings found in verbal and nonverbal codes. Most patients require combination therapy. African Americans face hardships that many people, especially members of the dominant culture, often overlook.
For clinicians working with older Filipino individuals, the following guidelines may be useful: As Osho notes, that all the means of communication originated from the earliest Africans in the old Egypt. It will include information on African American females from different social and cultural backgrounds. Gestures Germans use their little finger to point, for example, whereas in the U.
African American folktale: African American folktale, storytelling tradition that evolved among enslaved African Americans in the 18th and 19th centuries. One day, he overhears one of his British employees giving wrong information to a secretary about some proposals that are being sent out.
American Hand Gestures in Verbal communication had many purposes in the Traditional African Communication Systems, but its main function was relaying a message to one or more recipients. African American, Latino Americans Age, position, rank, and gender do not strongly influence communication style. I have a 6 year old and a 9 year old cousin, both of them girls, and as long as I can remember they have been fluent in rolling their eyes and necks to get their points across. Nonverbal Communication Appearance The people of South Africa generally do not seem as concerned about clothing and brands compared to Western cultures, although they do typically wear casual western dress.
Americans can come across as self-interested, aggressive and rude to some outsiders. This is even present in young black children. Non-verbal communication is different from person to person and especially from one culture to another. Once teachers and students understand learning styles, both can be taught to. A, The American police officer, the Russian engineer, and the Jordanian teacher In some instances, more nonverbal than verbal communication occurs.
The chief cultural difference is often ignored when interracial communication style fails between black and white. In contrast, many African, Asian, and Pacific groups prefer more circular, indirect, attached, relationally engaged styles. Something that feels positive to an American, such as making eye contact or offering an encouraging hand gesture, might be taken in an entirely different way in a different country.
Welcome to our guide to South Africa. Communication that is presented in a neutral or objective way is seen as lessThe use of animation and exaggeration by African Americans, and the readiness to initiate conversations, may be perceived by Korean Americans as threatening and insincere, whereas for African Americans, the verbal restraints and lack of nonverbal immediacy on the part of Korean Americans may communicate a condescending and prejudicial attitude.
Over the centuries, the church has stood as a rich reservoir of cultural Normative Communication Styles and Values The purpose of the Normative Communication Styles and Values chart is to identify arenas of difference between ethnic groups that can destroy trust and respect when the differences are unknown to one or both parties in a communication.
According to Martin and Nakayama, , non-verbal communication is the act of communicating using forms of communication beyond speech. Cultural Differences in Non-verbal Communication. The cues include facial expressions, hand and body movement, physical touch, voice pitch, voice sounds not the articulation of the words , physical appearance, emotional appearance like teary eyes , and even smell.
The characteristics of any cultures communication style are typically shaped by what that culture regards as the purpose of communication. Gestures and other forms of nonverbal communication can help you send and interpret.
Throughout history, African Americans have been victims of discrimination, hate crimes, and marginalization. Modesty: Americans are not very modest by an Australian standard as boasting is not cut down by tall poppy syndrome in their culture.
The term African American refers to individuals who are residents of the U. General Appearance and Dress. Sep 2, A large part of this process involves non-verbal communication that consists of In North America, close dancing and the resulting contact between two people is from culture to culture and are symbolic of the societys style and tone.
African Americans have been shown to receive lower quality of care than their European American counterparts Mayr et al. Direct eye contact is very important, if you do not have eye contact with another person in a social or business setting it is seen as disrespectful. It is important to tell it like it is.
Filipino older adults who are used to high-context communication may feel puzzled and offended by the preferred precision and exactness of the American communication process. It is hard for people to step out of their style and adjust to other cultures communication norms.
Learn vocabulary, terms, and more with flashcards, games, and other study tools. This is down to the US communication style which is influenced by the need to be direct, clear, transparent and open about matters. American Communication Styles.
There is a tendency to talk loudly and use street talk when communicating with each other. Different states of India have different official languages. Probably non-verbal differences account for typical difficulties in communicating.
In India, people greet each other using the word Namaste and they put their palms together in front of their chest and give a slight bow of the head. Cultural background defines their non-verbal communication as many forms of non-verbal communications like signs and signals are learned behavior.
Understanding a cultures expectations and customs related to eye contact, direct or indirect communication style and time orientation is crucial for establishing African-American culture in Chicago. South Africa is a very diverse country filled with many sub-cultures. All cultures are concerned for how they look and make judgments based on looks and dress.
Coded speech and verbosity is often seen as time wasting Communication is viewed as a socially constructed process that revolves around membership in ethnic cultures. The fact that African American males seem to be more verbally aggressive than African American females is troubling, Duncan noted, because that conflict could underlie many problems, from date rape to domestic violence. The authors argue that African-American identity, communicative competence, language style and relationship formation and maintenance are strategies adopted in order to navigate a dominant European power structure than inhibits They very rarely talk just for the sake of talking.
Qualitative Research Reports in Communication , 14 1 , With experience, you will develop your own practical style that demonstrates greater sensitivity and awareness and ultimately contributes to better communication and health outcomes for all patients.
They communicate much like how you would view an Italian would. South Africans arrive straight to the point and tend to say what they mean. United States. A South African will make no hesitation in telling you when you are wrong or objecting on the spot.
Professor Veronica American Communication Styles Communication styles in business in the States are determined by many of the approaches to business we have already described above. Native Americans do not find power in words that other cultures may.
African Americans will. Another major aspect of communication style is the degree of importance given to non-verbal communication.
Hect, Ronald L. Ratings of the effectiveness of doctors non-verbal communication mean SD. Roles of Nonverbal Communication with Culture Nonverbal communication plays many important roles in intercultural situations. The uniqueness of the African means of communication is embedded in their originality, creativity, tradition and culture of the people.
This can save you a lot of embarrassment and misunderstanding. When slaves arrived in the New World from Africa in the s and s, they brought with them a vast oral tradition. Verbal and non-verbal communication vary widely from culture to culture.
The following areas will be addressed: proxemics distance , kinesics gestures and facialWhen African Americans and European Americans interact, they bring to the communication process different filters through which their messages are sent, received, interpreted and understood.
Direct communication is expected, which is why many Americans get so confused about the indirect Indian head wobble. Silence, much like smell and touch, transcends verbal communi- cation. Smith discusses styles of preaching and offers suggestions to help preachers improve their style of preaching. Lets start by looking into how Hispanics gain this emotional connection.
African American communication : exploring identity and cultural. Relational, pleasure, and fear-associated aspects of condom use for disease prevention: A qualitative study of high-risk African American men.
Research suggests that Black Americans nonverbal communication has been influenced by native African languages spoken from the beginning of time.
In the broadest sense, culture includes how people think, what they do, and how they use things to sustain their lives. Nonverbal communication is important to the study of Kenyas culture.
They dont make much small talk except between close friends or family. One thing that Latinos overly rely on to gain a better understanding of one another is the use of non-verbal communication cues. Jackson II, Sidney A.
It would be good to familiarize yourself with traditionally Indian communication styles as well. African American Communication: Exploring Identity and Culture begins an important dialogue in the communication discipline, intercultural studies, African American studies and other fields concerned with the centrality of culture and communication as it relates to human behavior.
African American Communication: Exploring Identity and Culture begins an important dialogue in communication, intercultural studies, African American studies, and other fields concerned with the centrality of culture and communication as it relates to human behavior. Language: The Power of the Word. Boldly contending that culture can and should be a central organizing principle in studies pertaining to human interaction, African American Communication and Identities: Essential Readings is the first anthology to examine a wide range of communication studies specific to African American communicative experiences, including linguistic, rhetorical, and relational styles.
As a result, practitioners from Hispanic or white cultures should avoid adopting the African Americans verbal style in one-to-one communication; it may adversely affect If Black Americans have different verbal dialect then it is assumed that they have a different type of nonverbal communication patterns as well.
This means that when you need to communicate with people from different cultures, it makes sense to learn in advance about their nonverbal communication. The oral traditions and idiomatic expressions of African Americans are many. And while some of a cultures knowledge, rules, beliefs, values, phobias, and anxieties African Americans Communication Skills as viewed by Mainstream Americans Communication skills vary in a given society, and its perceptions can often times be jaded.
May 6, While all cultures use verbal and nonverbal communication, communication styles vary greatly. The use of animation and exaggeration by African Americans, and the readiness to initiate conversations, may be perceived by Korean Americans as threatening and insincere, whereas for African Americans, the verbal restraints and lack of nonverbal immediacy on the part of Korean Americans may communicate a condescending and prejudicial attitude.
South African women wear saris. Linear: Americans tend to communicate points in a series of logical, sequential ideas and get to the point quickly.
Learning Outcomes Give students an overview of theory of communication and the definition and development of African American culture and communication as a field of studyNonverbal communication is an important factor in any message that is conveyed in a face-to-face context.
Black and African-American Cultural NormsThis does not mean courtesy is disregarded in communication, but it does mean that Americans may sometimes miss nuances such as understatement in conversation or some types of humour for example, subtle sarcasm or ironic statements. According to researches, six expressions are universal; they are, happiness, sadness, disgust, fear, anger and surprise. African American Female Communication This website is designed to explore the many aspects of African American female communication patterns, both verbal and nonverbal.
As a result kind of communication style Condon, Preferred Learning Styles for African American students. Interests Groups are smaller communities within NCAs large membership that provide a range of resources including networking opportunities, Annual Convention programming, leadership opportunities, awards, and specialized information dissemination channels, among others. While all cultures use verbal and nonverbal communication, communication styles vary greatly.
Black and African-American elders have traditionally been treated with great respect within their families3. There are a number of verbal and non-verbal communication issues you communities in southern Brazil, South Africa, Australia, and the United States.
Communication styles in business in the States are determined by many of the approaches to business we have already described above. Each culture has set rules that its members take for granted. Styles of communication An American executive is on a new work assignment in the U. However, great care is taken to avoid sensitive topics e.
Japanese Americans and Chinese Americans like to use long pauses and understatements in conversations. African American Language and Communication Styles. Key words: impact of identity on communication. Europeans can have a combination, for example, in Spain and much of Latin America , people prefer a strong, relational engagement, and attached style of communication while also being direct, linear, and abstract in their approach. The desire to debate issues directly and openly leads Americans to be seen by some cultures as aggressive and even rude.
Start studying Chapter 8- Communication Styles and its impact on counseling and psychotherapy. Without being aware of a different cultures conversation style, someone may come off as rude or impersonal or maybe even too personal. The final chapter synthesizes ethnic identity, communication style, and competence and suggests applications and pragmatic issues in African American communication. These include facial expression, personal space, gestures, eye contact, paralanguage, use of time, and conversational silence.
The review indicates that while the communication systems and cultures of small-scale societies are cultures of face-to-face oral flows of meaning, complex societies on the other hand now make use of writing, print, radio,Cultural Values of Asian Patients and Families by Marcia Carteret, M. Applying Culturally-Responsive Communication in Black and African-American Communities Understanding cultural norms can help you to better reach, communicate with and educate your audience.
Formal v. By Mona Lisa Saloy. It encompasses everything from simple one-syllable sounds to complex discussions and relied on both language and emotion to produce the desired effect.
For example a person from American culture sees kissing as a sign of. Another example of non-verbal communication is the strength with which you shake hands. CWM wont. I don't know whether it really happened or not, but if he was even a little intelligent, it must have happened. His generals were very disturbed: What had happened? They had never seen Alexander weeping. He was not that type of man; he was a great warrior. They had seen him in great difficulties, in situations where life was very much in danger, where death was very imminent, and they had not seen even a tear coming out of his eyes.
They had never seen him in any desperate, hopeless moment. What has happened to him now. They knocked on the door, they went in, and they asked, "What has happened to you? Why are you crying like a child? Now I know that I stand exactly in the same place as I used to be when I started this nonsense of conquering the world. And the point has become clear to me now because there is no other world to conquer; otherwise, I could have remained on the journey, I could have started conquering another world.
Now there is no other world to conquer, now there is nothing else to do—and suddenly I am thrown to myself. He searched and searched, he staked everything that he had.
Now he is successful, and his heart is empty, and his soul is meaningless, and there is no fragrance, there is no benediction. So the first thing is to know exactly what you are seeking.
I insist upon it— because the more you focus your eyes on the object of your search, the more the object starts disappearing. When your eyes are absolutely fixed, suddenly there is nothing to seek; immediately your eyes start turning toward yourself When there is no object for search, when all objects have disappeared, there is emptiness. In that emptiness is conversion, turning in. You suddenly start looking at yourself. Now there is nothing to seek, and a new desire arises to know this seeker.
If there is something to seek, you are a worldly man. If there is nothing to seek, and the question "Who is this seeker? This is the way I define the worldly and the religious.
If you are still seeking something—maybe in the other life, on the other shore, in heaven, in paradise, it makes no difference—you are still a worldly man. If all seeking has stopped and you have suddenly become aware that now there is only one thing to know—"Who is this seeker in me?
What is this energy that wants to seek? Who am I? All values change suddenly. You start moving 7 Intimacy inward. Then Rabia is no longer sitting on the road searching for a needle that is lost somewhere in the darkness of her own inner soul. Once you have started moving inward.
In the beginning it is very dark— Rabia is right, it is very, very dark. Because for lives together you have never been inside, your eyes have been focused on the outside world. Have you watched it? Sometimes when you come in from the road, where it is very sunny and the sun is hot and there is bright light, when you suddenly come into the room or into the house it is very dark—because the eyes are focused for much outside light.
When there is much light, the pupils shrink. In darkness the pupils have to relax; a bigger aperture is needed in darkness. In light, a smaller aperture is enough. That's how the camera functions, and that's how your eye functions; the camera has been invented along the lines of the human eye.
So when you suddenly come in from the outside, your own house looks dark. But if you sit a little while, by and by the darkness disappears. There is more light; your eyes are settling. For many lives together you have been outside in the hot sun, in the world, so when you go in you have completely forgotten how to enter and how to readjust your eyes. Meditation is nothing but a readjustment of your vision, a readjustment of your seeing faculty, of your eyes.
In India that is what is called your third eye. It is not an actual eye somewhere, it is a readjustment, a total readjustment of your vision.
By and by the darkness is no longer dark. A subtle, suffused light starts being felt. And if you go on looking inside—it takes time—gradually, slowly, you start feeling a beautiful light inside. It is not aggressive light like the sun; it is more like the moon.
It is not glaring, it is not dazzling, it is very cool. It is not hot, it is very compassionate, it is very soothing, it is a balm. The seeker is the sought. Then you will see that the treasure is within you, and the whole problem was that you were seeking for it outside.
You were seeking it somewhere outside, and it has always been there inside you. It has always been here within you. You were seeking in a wrong direction, that's all. Everything is available to you as much as it is available to anyone else, as much as it is available to a Buddha, to a Baal-Shem, to a Moses, to a Muhammad. It is all available to you, only you are looking in the wrong direction. As far as the treasure is concerned, you are not poorer than Buddha or Muhammad—no, God has never created a poor man.
It does not happen—it cannot happen because God creates you out of his richness. How can God create a poor man? You are his overflowing; you are part of existence. How can you be poor? You are rich, infinitely rich—as rich as nature itself. But you are looking in the wrong direction.
The direction is wrong. That's why you go on missing. And it is not that you will not succeed in life—you can succeed. But still you will be a failure. Nothing is going to satisfy you because nothing can be attained in the outside world that can be comparable to the inner treasure, to the inner light, to the inner bliss.
Ordinarily whatever we know about ourselves is the opinion of others. They say, "You are good," and we think we are good. They say, "You are beautiful," and we think we are beautiful. They say,. That becomes our self-identity. It is utterly false because nobody else can know you—nobody can know who you are except you, yourself. They know only aspects, and those aspects are very superficial. They know only momentary moods; they cannot penetrate your 9 Intimacy center. Not even your lover can penetrate to the very core of your being.
There you are utterly alone, and only there will you come to know who you are. People live their whole lives believing in what others say, dependent on others. That's why people are very afraid of others' opinions. If they think you are bad, you become bad. If they condemn you, you start condemning yourself. If they say that you are a sinner, you start feeling guilty. Because you have to depend on their opinions, you have to continuously conform to their ideas; otherwise they will change their opinions.
This creates a slavery, a very subtle slavery. If you want to be known as good, worthy, beautiful, intelligent, then you have to concede, you have to compromise continuously with people on whom you are dependent.
And another problem arises. Because there are so many people, they go on feeding your mind with different types of opinions—conflicting opinions, too. One opinion contradicting another opinion; hence a great confusion exists inside you. One person says you are very intelligent, another person says you are stupid. How to decide? So you are divided. You become suspicious about yourself, about who you are And the complexity is very great because there are thousands of people around you.
And nobody knows you—not even you yourself know—so all this collection becomes jumbled up inside. This is a maddening situation. You have many voices inside you. Whenever you ask who you are, many answers will come.
Some answers will be your mother's, some will be your father's, some will be your teacher's, and so on and so forth. And it is impossible to decide which one is the right answer. What is the criterion? This is where man is lost. This is selfignorance. But because you depend on others, you are afraid to go into alone-ness—because the moment you start going into aloneness, you start becoming very afraid of losing yourself. You don't have yourself in the first place, but whatever self you have created out of others' opinions will have to be left behind.
Hence, it is very scary to go in. The deeper you go, the less you know who you are. So in fact when you are moving toward self-knowledge, before it happens you will have to drop all ideas about the self.
There will be a gap; there will be a kind of nothingness. You will become a nonentity. You will be utterly lost because all that you know is no longer relevant, and that which is relevant you don't know yet.
Christian mystics call this "the dark night of the soul.
The sun rises, and one comes to know oneself for the first time. The first ray of the sun, and all is fulfilled. The first songs of the birds in the morning, and all is attained.
Whatsoever is your real face, show it at whatever the cost. Don't go and unmask anybody because this is how people think—they say they have to be truthful, authentic; they mean they have to go and make everybody nude because "Why are you hiding your body? These clothes are not needed. Please remember: Be truthful to yourself.
You are not needed to reform anybody else in the world. If you can grow yourself, that's enough. Don't be a reformer, and don't try to teach others, and don't try to change others.
If you change, that's enough of a message. To be authentic means to remain true to your own being. How to remain true? Three things have to be remembered. One, never listen to anybody, what they tell you to be. Always listen to your inner voice, what you would like to be; otherwise your whole life will be wasted. Your mother wants you to be an engineer, your father wants you to be a doctor, and you want to be a poet. What to do? Of course the mother is right because it is more economical, more financially helpful, to be an engineer.
The father is also right; to be a doctor is a good commodity in the market, it has a market value. A poet? Have you gone mad? Are you crazy? Poets are people who are cursed. Nobody wants them.
There is no need for them; the world can exist without poetry— there will be no trouble just because there is no poetry. The world cannot exist without engineers; the world needs engineers. If you are needed, you are valuable. If you are not needed, you don't carry any value. You may be a beggar— good. You may not become very rich out of it, but don't worry about it. Because otherwise you may become a great engineer, and you may earn much money, but you will never have any fulfillment.
You will always hanker; your inner being will hanker to be a poet. I have heard that one great scientist, a surgeon who was awarded a Nobel Prize, was asked, "When the Nobel Prize was awarded to you, you didn't look very happy.
What is the matter? I never wanted to be a surgeon in the first place, and now not only have I become a surgeon, I have become a very successful surgeon, and this is a burden. I wanted to be just a dancer, and I remain a lousy dancer— that is my pain, my anguish.
Whenever I see somebody dancing, I feel so miserable, in such hell. What will I do with this Nobel Prize? It can't become a dance to me; it can't give me a dance. It may lead you into danger; then go in danger, but remain true to the inner voice.
Then there is a possibility that one day you will come to a state where you can dance with inner fulfillment.
Always look: The first thing is your being. Don't allow others to manipulate and control you—and they are many; everybody is ready to control you, everybody is ready to change you, everybody is ready to give you a direction you have not asked for.
Everybody 13 Intimacy is giving you a guide for your life. The guide exists within you, you carry the blueprint. To be authentic means to be true to oneself. It is a very, very dangerous phenomenon; rare people can do that. But whenever people do it, they achieve. They achieve such beauty, such grace, such contentment that you cannot imagine. The reason everybody looks so frustrated is that nobody has listened to his own voice. You wanted to marry a girl, but the girl was a Mohammedan, and you are a Hindu Brahmin, your parents wouldn't allow it.
The society wouldn't accept it, it was dangerous. The girl was poor and you are rich. So you married a rich woman, Hindu, Brahmin by caste, accepted by everybody but not by your heart. So now you live an ugly life.
Now you go to prostitutes—but even prostitutes won't help you; you have prostituted your whole life. You wasted your whole life. Always listen to the inner voice, and don't listen to anything else.
There are a thousand and one temptations around you because many people are peddling their things. It is a supermarket, the world, and everybody in it is interested in selling his thing to you. Everybody is a salesman. If you listen to too many salesmen, you will become mad. Don't listen to anybody Just close your eyes and listen to the inner voice. That is what meditation is all about, to listen to the inner voice. This is the first thing. Then the second thing—only if you have done the first thing does the second 14 First Things First: The ABC of Intimacy become possible—never wear a mask.
If you are angry, be angry. It is risky, but don't smile because that is being untrue. You have been taught that when you are angry, smile, but then your smile becomes false, a mask—-just an exercise of the lips and nothing else. The heart full of anger, poison, and the lips smiling; you become a false phenomenon.
Then the other thing also happens: When you want to smile, you cannot smile. Your whole mechanism is topsyturvy because when you wanted to be angry you weren't; when you wanted to hate you didn't. Now you want to love; suddenly you find that the mechanism doesn't function. Now you want to smile; you have to force it. Really, your heart is full of smile, and you want to laugh out loud, but you cannot laugh.
Something chokes in the heart, something chokes in the throat. The smile doesn't come, or even if it comes, it is a very pale and dead smile. It doesn't make you happy, you don't bubble up with it. It is not a radiance around you. When you want to be angry, be angry. Nothing is wrong in being angry. If you want to laugh, laugh. Nothing is wrong in laughing loudly. By and by you will see that your whole system is functioning. When it functions, really, it has a hum around it.
Just like a car hums when everything is going well—the driver who loves the car knows that now everything is functioning well. There is an organic unity; the mechanism is functioning well. He walks, but his step has a dance in it. He talks, but his words carry a subtle poetry in them.
He looks at you, and he really looks; it is not just lukewarm, it is really warm. When he touches you, he really touches you; you can feel his energy moving into your body, a current of life being transferred.
Don't wear masks; otherwise you will create dysfunctions, blocks in your mechanism. There are many blocks in your body. A person who has been suppressing anger—his jaw becomes blocked. All the anger comes up to the jaw and then stops there. His hands become ugly; they don't have the graceful movement of a dancer, no, because the anger comes into the fingers and becomes blocked. Remember, anger has two outlets for release: one is the teeth, another is the fingers.
All animals when they are angry will bite you with the teeth or they will start tearing you with the hands. So the nails and the teeth are the two points from where the anger is released. I have a suspicion that wherever anger is suppressed too much, people have teeth trouble.
Their teeth go wrong because too much energy is there and never released. And anybody who suppresses anger will eat more—angry people will always eat more because the teeth need some exercise. Angry people will smoke more. Angry people will talk more—they can become obsessive talkers because somehow the jaw needs exercise so that the energy is released a little bit. And angry people's hands will become knotted, ugly. If the energy had been released, they could have become beautiful hands.
If you suppress anything, there is some corresponding part in the body to the emotion. If you don't want to cry, your eyes will lose their luster because tears are needed; they are a very alive phenomenon. When once in a while you weep and cry— really you go into it, you 16 First Things First: The ABC of Intimacy become it, and tears start flowing from your eyes—your eyes are cleansed, your eyes become fresh again, young and virgin.
That's why women have more beautiful eyes—because they can still cry. Men have lost the beauty of their eyes because they have a wrong notion that men should not cry. If a small boy cries, even the parents say, "What are you doing? Are you being a sissy? Because God has given you—man and woman—the same tear glands. If man were not meant to weep, there would have been no tear glands. Simple mathematics. Why do the tear glands exist in men in the same proportion as they exist in women?
Eyes need weeping and crying, and it is really beautiful if you can cry and weep wholeheartedly. Remember, if you cannot cry and weep wholeheartedly, you cannot laugh, either, because that is the other polarity. People who can laugh can also cry; people who cannot cry cannot laugh. And you may have observed it sometimes in children: if they laugh loudly and long, they start crying—because both things are joined. In the villages I have heard mothers saying to their children, "Don't laugh too much; otherwise you will start crying.
So the second thing: Don't use masks—be true whatsoever the cost. And the third thing about authenticity: Always remain in the present because all falseness enters either from the past or from the future. That which has passed has passed. Don't bother about it and don't carry it as a burden; otherwise, it will not allow you to be authentic to the 17 Intimacy present. And all that has not come has not come yet. Don't unnecessarily be bothered about the future, otherwise that will come into the present and destroy it.
Be true to the present, and then you will be authentic. To be here now is to be authentic. No past, no future— this moment, all. This moment the whole eternity. These three things, and you attain truthfulness. Then whatsoever you say will be true. Ordinarily you think you have to be careful to say the truth; I'm not saying that. I am saying create authenticity, and whatsoever you say will be true.
By truth I don't mean a conclusion arrived at by logical, rational methods. By truth I mean the authenticity of being, not imposing anything that you are not, just being that which you are at whatsoever the risk, never becoming a hypocrite.
If you are sad, you are sad. That is the truth in that moment; don't hide it. Don't put a false smile on your face because that false smile will create a split in you. You will become two—a part of you will be smiling, and of course it is only going to be a minor part, and the major part will remain sad. Now a division has arisen, and if you go on doing it again and again. When you are angry, you don't show your anger—you are afraid it may destroy your image because people think you are so compassionate, and people say that you are never angry.
They appreciate it, and it is so gratifying to the ego. Now, being angry will destroy your beautiful image, so rather than destroying the image, you repress the anger. It is boiling within, but on the surface you remain compassionate, kind, polite, sweet. Now the division is being practiced. People are practicing it through their whole lives; then the division becomes absolutely settled.
Even when you are sitting alone and there is nobody, and there is no need to pretend, you go on pretending; it has become 18 First Things First: The ABC of Intimacy second nature. People are not true even in their bathrooms; even when they are utterly alone, they are untrue. Now it is not a question of being true or untrue; it has just become their habit. For the whole of their lives they have practiced, and as you practice more and more, the distance between the two parts of you becomes bigger and bigger.
When it becomes unbridgeable, we call it schizophrenia. When you cannot contact your own other part, you almost become two persons instead of one; then it is severe mental illness.
But everybody is divided, so the difference between the schizophrenic and the normal is only of degree. It is not very basic, not of quality but only of quantity. By truth I mean not to pretend. Just be whatsoever you are—one moment you are sad, so that moment you are sad. And next moment if you become happy, there is no need now to continue to remain sad—because that, too, has been taught: to always be consistent, to remain consistent.
It happens, you can observe it—you were sad, and then suddenly sadness is gone, but you cannot laugh immediately because what will people think?
Are you mad? Just before you were sad; now you immediately start laughing? Only mad people or small children do this; it is not expected of you. You will have to wait for a certain situation in which slowly, slowly you can relax and start smiling and laughing again. So it is not only that when you are sad you pretend smiles; when 19 Intimacy you want to smile then, too, you pretend sadness because of that whole stupid idea of remaining consistent.
Each moment has its own way, and no moment needs to be consistent with any other moment. Life is a flux, it is a river: It goes on changing its moods. So one need not be worried about consistency.
Anybody who becomes worried about consistency will become untrue because only lies can be consistent. Truth is always changing. Truth contains its own contradictions—and that's the richness of truth, that's its vastness, that's its beauty. So if you are feeling sad, then be sad—with no condemnation, with no evaluation of it being good or bad. There is no question of good or bad, it is simply so.
And when it goes, let it go. When again you start smiling, don't feel guilty because just now you were sad, so how can you smile? Let somebody first tell a joke, let somebody first break the ice, and then you will smile.
Wait for the right moment. That is again hypocrisy. When you are happy, be happy; there is no need to pretend anything. And remember: Each moment has an atomic reality. It is discontinuous from the past moment and it is not connected with the future moment. Each moment is atomic. They are not following each other in a sequence, they are not linear. Each moment has its own way of being, and you have to be that, in that moment, nothing else. This is what is really meant by truth. Truth means authenticity, truth means sincerity.
Truth is not a logical thing. It is a psychological state of being true—not true according to some ideal, 20 First Things First: The ABC of Intimacy because if there is some ideal you will become false. If you think that to be like a Buddha is to be true, then you will never be true because you are not a Buddha, and you will impose the Buddha on you. You can sit like the Buddha, you can almost become a marble statue, but deep down you will still be the same. The Buddha will be just a posture.
And if you have an ideal, you cannot be true to the moment because the ideal is always there and you have to imitate the ideal.
The true man has no ideals. He lives moment to moment; he always lives as he feels in the moment. He is utterly respectful toward his feelings, his emotions, his moods. And this is what I want people to be: authentic, true, sincere, respectful toward their own soul.
And by looking at people, you cannot see exactly what is happening to them because their face is not their reality, just as your face is not your reality. Their outside appearance is not their inner, just as your outside appearance is not your inner. That is the whole hypocrisy of society—not to show your inner, your center, your real face. Hide it. Show it only to someone who is very intimate and who will understand. But who is intimate? Even lovers don't show their faces to each other.
Because nobody knows; minute somebody is a 21 this Intimacy lover, next minute maybe not. So each becomes like an island, closed.
Don't look at others, look at yourself. And let what is inside of you come out, whatsoever the risk. There is no greater risk than suppression. If you suppress, you will lose all zest for life, all enthusiasm. You will lose all life if you go on suppressing. It is toxic; it poisons the being. Listen to the heart, and whatsoever is there, bring it out. Soon you will become efficient in bringing it out, and you will enjoy it.
And once you know how to be true, it is so beautiful that you will never settle for being false. We go on deciding to be false because we have never tasted the real. From the very beginning of childhood the real was suppressed. Before a child becomes aware of what is real, he has been taught to suppress it. In unconscious ways, mechanical ways, he goes on suppressing without knowing what he is doing.
Be true to yourself—there is no other responsibility. One has to be responsible toward one's being. You are answerable to your own being, and God is not going to ask you why you were not somebody else. There is a story that when the Hasid mystic Josiah was dying, somebody asked him why wasn't he praying to God, and was he sure that Moses would be a witness to him. He replied, "Let me tell you one thing. God is not going to ask me why I am not a Moses.
He will ask me why I am not a Josiah. And if you can solve this, then every other problem becomes nonproblematic. Then life is a beautiful mystery to be lived—not a problem to be solved but just to be lived and enjoyed.
The most fundamental thing has to happen within you first. If you trust in yourself, you can trust in me, you can trust in people, you can trust in existence. But if you don't trust in yourself, then no other trust is ever possible.
And society destroys trust at the very roots. It does not allow you to trust yourself. It teaches all other kinds of trust—trust in the parents, trust in the church, trust in the state, trust in God, ad infinitum—but the basic trust is completely destroyed. And then all other trusts are phony, are bound to be phony. Then all other trusts are just plastic flowers.
You don't have real roots for real flowers to grow. Society does it deliberately, on purpose, because a man who trusts in himself is dangerous for society—a society that depends on slavery, a society that has invested too much in slavery.
A man trusting himself is an independent man. You cannot make predictions about him, he will move in his own way. Freedom will be his life. He will trust when he feels, when he loves, and then his trust will have a tremendous intensity and truth in it. Then his trust will be alive and authentic. And he will be ready to risk all for his trust— but only when he feels it, only when it is true, only when it stirs his heart, only when it stirs his intelligence and his love.
Otherwise not. You cannot force him into any kind of believing. This society depends on belief. Its whole structure is that of auto- 23 Intimacy hypnosis.
Its whole structure is based in creating robots and machines, not men. It needs dependent people—so much so that they are constantly in need of being tyrannized, so much so that they are searching and seeking their own tyrants, their own Adolf Hitlers, their own Mus-solinis, their own Josef Stalins and Mao Zedongs.
This earth, this beautiful earth, we have turned into a great prison. A few power-lusty people have reduced the whole of humanity into a mob. Man is allowed to exist only if he compromises with all kinds of nonsense. Now, to tell a child to believe in God is nonsense, utter nonsense—not that God does not exist, but because the child has not yet felt the thirst, the desire, the longing.
He is not yet ready to go in search of the truth, the ultimate truth of life. He is not yet mature enough to inquire into the reality of existence. That love affair has to happen someday, but it can happen only if no belief is imposed upon him. If he is converted before the thirst has arisen to explore and to know, then his whole life he will live in a phony way; he will live in a pseudo way.
Yes, he will talk about God because he has been told that God is. He has been told authoritatively, and he has been told by people who were very powerful in his childhood— his parents, his priests, his teachers. He could not say no to his parents because without them he would not be able to live at all. It was too risky to say no; he had to say yes.
But his yes can't be true. How can it be true? He is saying yes only as a political device, to survive. You have not turned him into a religious person, you have made him a diplomat, you have created a politician. You have sabotaged his potential to grow into an authentic being. You have poisoned him. You have destroyed the very possibility of his intelligence because intelligence arises only when the longing arises to know. Now the longing will never arise because before the question has taken possession of his soul, the answer has already been supplied.
Before he was hungry, the food has been forced into his being. Now, without hunger, this forced food cannot be digested; there is no hunger to digest it. That's why people live like pipes through which life passes like undigested food.
One has to be very patient with children, very alert, very conscious not to say anything that may hinder their own intelligence from arriving, not to convert them into Christians, Hindus, and Muhammadans. One needs infinite patience. One day that miracle happens, when the child himself starts inquiring. Then, too, don't supply him with ready-made answers. Ready-made answers help nobody; ready-made answers are dull and stupid.
Help him to become more intelligent Rather than giving him answers, give him situations and chal- 25 Intimacy lenges so that his intelligence is sharpened and he asks more deeply—so that the question penetrates to his very core, so that the question becomes a question of life and death.
But that is not allowed. Parents are very much afraid, society is very much afraid. If children are allowed to remain free, who knows?
They may never come to the fold the parents belonged to, they may never go to the church—Catholic, Protestant, this or that. Who knows what is going to happen when they become intelligent on their own? They will not be within your control. And this society goes into deeper and deeper politics to control everybody, to possess everybody's soul.
That's why the first thing they have to do is to destroy trust—the trust of the child in himself, the confidence of the child in himself. They have to make him shaky and afraid. Once he is trembling, he is controllable. If he is confident, he is uncontrollable.
If he is confident he will assert himself, he will try to do his own thing. He will never want to do anybody else's thing. He will go on his own journey, he will not fulfill somebody else's desires for some trip.
He will never be an imitator, he will never be a dull and dead person. He will be so alive, so pulsating with life, that nobody will be able to control him. Destroy his trust, and you have castrated him. You have taken his power; now he will always be powerless and always in need of somebody to dominate, direct, and command him. Now he will be a good soldier, a good citizen, a good nationalist, a good Christian, a good Mohammedan, a good Hindu.
Yes, he will be all these things. But he will not be a real individual. He will not have any roots, he will be uprooted his whole life. He will live without roots—and to live without roots is to live in misery, is to live in hell. Just as trees need roots in the earth, man is 26 First Things First: The ABC of Intimacy also a tree and needs roots in existence or else he will live a very unintelligent life.
Just the other day, I was reading a story: Three surgeons, old friends, met on holiday. On the beach, sitting under the sun, they started boasting.
The first said, "I came across a man who had lost both of his legs in the war. I gave him artificial legs, and it has been a miracle. Now he has become one of the greatest runners in the world! There is every possibility that in the coming Olympics, he will win.
I came across a woman who fell from a thirty-story building. Her face was completely crushed. I did a great job of plastic surgery. Just the other day I came to know through the newspapers that she has become the world beauty queen.
The others looked at him and asked, "What have you done lately? What's new? They said, "But we are friends, we can keep your secret. You need not be worried; it won't leak out. I was at a loss to know what to do. I rushed into my garden just to think what to do, and suddenly 1 came across a cabbage. Finding nothing else, I transplanted the cabbage in place of the head. And do you know what? That man has become the president of the United States. There is no inherent impossibility of becoming successful without intelligence.
In fact, it is more difficult to become successful with intelligence because the intelligent person is inventive. He is always ahead of his time; it takes time to understand him.
The unintelligent person is easily understood. He fits with the gestalt of society; the society has values and criteria by which to judge him. But it takes years for society to evaluate a genius. I am not saying that a person who has no intelligence cannot become successful, cannot become famous—but he will still remain phony.
And that is the misery: You can become famous, but if you are phony, you live in misery. You don't know what blessings life is showering on you— you will never know.
You don't have enough intelligence to know. You will never see the beauty of existence because you don't have the sensitivity to know it. You will never see the sheer miracle that surrounds you, that crosses your path in millions of ways every day. You will never see it because to see it, you need a tremendous capacity to understand, to feel, to be. This society is a power-oriented society. This society is still utterly primitive, utterly barbarian. A few people—politicians, priests, professors—are dominating millions.
And this society is run in such a way that no child is allowed to have intelligence. Somehow, once in a while a person escapes from the clutches of society. Once in a while a person remains unpoisoned by society.
That must be because of some error, some mistake of society. Otherwise society succeeds in destroying your roots, in destroying your trust in yourself.
And once that is done, you will never be able to trust anybody. Once you are incapable of loving yourself, you will never be able to love anybody. That is an absolute truth, there are no exceptions to it.
You can love others only if you are able to love yourself. But society condemns self-love. It says it is selfishness, it says it is narcissistic. Yes, self-love can become narcissistic, but it is not necessarily so. It can become narcissistic if it never moves beyond itself, it can become a kind of selfishness if it becomes confined to oneself.
Otherwise, self-love is the beginning of all other loves. A person who loves himself sooner or later starts overflowing with love. A person who trusts himself cannot distrust anybody, even those who are going to deceive him, even those who have already deceived him.
Yes, he cannot even distrust them because now he knows trust is far more valuable than anything else. You can cheat a person—but of what can you cheat him?
You can take some money or something else from him. But the man who knows the beauty of trust will not be distracted by these small things. He will still love you, he will still trust you. And then a miracle hap29 Intimacy pens: If a person really trusts you, it is impossible to cheat him, almost impossible.
It happens every day in your life, too. Whenever you trust somebody, it becomes impossible for him to cheat you, to deceive you. Sitting on the platform in a railway station, you don't know the person who is sitting by your side—he is a stranger, a complete stranger—and you say to him, "Please just watch my luggage.
I have to go to purchase a ticket. You trust an absolute stranger. But it almost never happens that the stranger deceives you. He could have deceived you if you had not trusted him.
Trust has a magic in it. How can he deceive you now that you have trusted him? How can he fall so low? He will never be able to forgive himself if he deceives you. There is an intrinsic quality in human consciousness to trust and to be trusted. Everybody enjoys being trusted. It is respect from the other person—and when you trust a stranger it is more so.
There is no reason to trust him, and still you trust him. You raise the man to such a high pedestal, you value the man so much, it is almost impossible for him to fall from that height.
And if he falls, he will never be able to forgive himself, he will have to carry the weight of guilt his whole life.
A man who trusts himself comes to know the beauty of it—comes to know that the more you trust yourself, the more you bloom; the more you are in a state of let-go and relaxation, the more you are 30 First Things First: The ABC of Intimacy settled and serene, the more you are calm, cool, and quiet.
And it is so beautiful that you start trusting more and more people because the more you trust, the more your calmness deepens; your coolness goes deeper and deeper to the very core of your being. And the more you trust, the more you soar high. A man who can trust will sooner or later know the logic of trust.
And then one day he is bound to try to trust the unknown. Start trusting is the fundamental lesson, the first lesson. Start loving yourself.